The Fault In Our Shark Infested Custard
by HodorSavedMyCattle
Summary: A short piece of high-class literature following two star-crossed lovers attempting to face a world that is forever against them. Featuring washed-up comedians, definite signs of spookiness and more dumb references than you can shake a stick at. Also it's in Westeros, but don't worry about that little detail, because we sure didn't when we were writing this.
1. Chapter 1 - WHATS WITH ALL THESE SHARKS

INTRODUCING THE RETURN OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE FUCKING DUMB

COURTESY OF HODORSAVEDMYCATTLE

A DUMB SHORT THINGAMASHIT TO TIDE YOU OVER

IT IS

'THE FAULT IN OUR SHARK INFESTED CUSTARD'

AKA: THE BEST CROSSOVER EVER

AKA: SOMETHING THAT ISN'T GAME OF THRONES RELATED

AKA: HOUSE LANNISTER, HOUSE STARK, HOUSE HILL AND HOUSE SHARK

DISCLAIMER: WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY READ OR WATCHED 'THE FAULT IN OUR STARS', BUT WE HAVE WATCHED ADEQUATE QUANTITIES OF HARRY HILL'S TV BURP GOLD

4 HOURS AND 10 MINUTES, TO BE PRECISE

YES, WE SAT THROUGH THE SPECIAL FEATURES

IF YOU WANT TO GET THE REFERENCES (NOT THAT I'LL CHANGE THE FACT THAT THIS WILL BE FUCKING DUMB EITHER WAY), WE STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU GO AND WATCH HARRY HILL'S TV BURP 1 AND 3

AND IF YOU HAVE A COPY OF HARRY HILL'S TV BURP 2, CAN YOU PLEASE SEND IT TO US

THIS IS DEDICATED TO ALL OUR FANS, FOR WAITING FOR A COMPLETE FUCKING ANTICLIMAX

CHAPTER 1: Custard and Cancer

Long ago, in the land of Westeros (yes, all of these stories are canon with one another), there were two thriving families. They were unrelated to the usual conflicts between the other families of Westeros, but they were still hella important. They were House Hill and House Shark. And they were not too happy with one another. For you see, the two families had a age-old rivalry; the Hill family enjoyed brewing large vats of custard and throwing sharks into said vats, and the Shark family didn't like that all this much. And to add to the annoyance, the Shark family were peeved that the Hill family did not share their affections with hunting toasters. (It would also be important to note at this point that the entire Shark family is made up of sharks. Literally, sharks. Of all different breeds. Think about how that works. Centuries of inbreeding, that's how. For you avid 'A Song Of Ice And Fire' fans who don't read our shit, you will know that the Targaryens are also guilty of the same crime, so it's totally plausible here). But, long story short, they don't like one another, because they don't advocate toaster killing and shark drowning.

But our story begins not with one of the many feuds between the two, but at a cancer support meeting, where we meet our protagonist, Hazel Shark. She was a sixteen year old shark. You may think that she is quite a young shark, but seeing as the average life expectancy for a shark is 20-30 years, she's actually in her middle ages. Plus the fact that she's got cancer (as expressed by her being at the cancer support meeting. She had a legitimate reason to be there guys, she wasn't just a tourist or some shit).

Contrary to what you may have predicted, Hazel Shark did not meet Augustus Waters at this here cancer support meeting, because he was being killed by Arya Stark and the Hound at the Munich Beer Festival at the time. (Handover, chapter 9. Check it mothafuckas). But her eyes caught those of a middle-aged balding man, wearing a ridiculously large collar. Yes, that's right, she was focusing on the protagonist of Prototype 2, James Heller! No, wait. It was actually Harry Hill! His shirt was pale yellow; perhaps you could even say it was… CUSTARD COLOURED?! Hazel Shark had been told to stay away from people like this, but for some reason, she was drawn to him. Was it his charismatic smile, or his shiny gleaming head? Perhaps it was the way he would stare at the camera from time to time and make a high-larious face. Whatever it was, it gave Hazel Shark a feeling of inner happiness, as though she wasn't a middle-aged shark who was inevitably going to die, whether this be from old-age or cancer (or perhaps some sort of fancy shark disease).

The group of them were sitting in a circle, and the counsellor man in the middle of the circle greeted them. He asked them to stand up and each say their names.

'Hello, I'm Barry Chuckle', said a man with a perfectly normal face.

'Hello, I'm Carrot Top', said a man with perfectly inconspicuous hair.

Suddenly, a man in the corner of the circle stood up. He was wearing a black cloak that concealed his face, and seemed to emanate a sense of pure evil. Perhaps an evil aura that would be commonly associated with a skellingto- no, no. Never mind. That wouldn't happen. Too unorthodox and unlikely to even be considered. He may as well just be the Loch Ness Monster.

'Hello, I'm Baron Spookus,' he said, in a voice that emanated pure dread around the room. All the other washed-up comedians collectively shat themselves. (Fun Fact: Whilst writing this section, we discussed Baron Spookus' backstory more than we have done with the entirety of this story. No doubt there'll be a stand-alone novel about him some time soon).

But then the charismatic bald man stood up, a wide grin on his face. 'Did any of you watch Eastenders the other day?!' he asked the others. It seemed that during the time the others were speaking, he had managed to set up a large desk in front of him, and a projector and screen behind him showing a clip of Pat Butcher saying some shit about bacon sandwiches. A laugh track could be heard from a small radio on the bald man's desk as he chucked to himself. As the other people elected to ignore this man and continued going around the room and saying their names, he could still be heard ranting about the benefits of Norwich, and how the Mustard Shop was a vital part of today's economy. Despite herself, Hazel Shark found herself agreeing with him. She too believed that, without the Mustard Shop, she would not be where she is today. These words will no doubt be written about for generations to come, she thought to herself. He must be some kind of higher form of existence.

For the following half hour, everyone discussed their cancers. Suddenly, halfway through a hella sad story from Carrot Top, the bald man shouted out 'BUT WHICH IS BETTER; BAGELS OR ALBATROSSES? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! TRIAL BY COMBAT!'

Suddenly, a huge sentient bagel with stubby arms and legs smashed through the plaster wall, killing the one called Carrot Top. May his nondescript hair live on in our hearts.

At the same time, an albatross flew in through the window, knocking over a pile of chairs and possibly concussing god-knows how many innocent civilians. A scuffle ensued, the bagel swinging its arms around blindly whilst the albatross attempted to scratch out eyes that weren't there. It was at this point Hazel Shark realised that they just looked like two people in giant costumes, but she didn't have much time to dwell on this fact because she had to evacuate the building. Before she left, she noticed that Baron Spookus had mysteriously disappeared. An ominous whispering skull sat where he was sitting, but no one spoke of it. As she looked behind her whilst leaving, she caught a glimpse of the bald man flashing her a smile as he landed a perfectly executed roundhouse kick into the face of Barry Chuckle. He turned his face into the camera, winked and said 'See you after the break!' before returning to throwing Barry Chuckle into a strategically placed pile of boxes.

Hazel Shark thought about the man as she was walking away from the now burning building. Despite herself, she was awestruck that any man could have such a little regard for the safety of himself or others, and only cared about pure, unadulterated slapstick. This is the man she wanted to spend her life with.

Later that very same hour, whilst she was reading the latest most important book in her life 'Looking For Alaska', there was a knocking at her window. She looked around, and staring back at her was a face most beautiful. Gasp! she gasped. It was him, hanging upside down and looking into her window! The enigmatic stranger from the cancer support thing! A plot point that we will promptly forget about! But what was HE doing here?!

She opened the window and looked into his gaze. The moonlight glistened off of his perfectly bald head, and his teeth glittered like diamonds.

'Ello there!' he exclaimed. 'My name's Harry Hill! What's cookin' homie?' (Yes, everyone still has the same exact speech pattern in this shit). As he said it, he dropped down from the room and slid into the room in one swift motion, like a sneaky snake.

'My name's Hazel Shar- wait! Did you say that you're a Hill?!'

'Why yesh I did!' Harry said, doing a merry jig as he looked through Hazel's things.

'Bu-but you can't be here!' she said. 'Our families have a lifelong feud!'

'I know! I read the introduction!' he said, looking to the camera and winking.

'But that means you should stay away from our land!' Hazel said, exasperated.

'Look lady!' began Harry. He turned to the camera and smiled, his lips sticking to his teeth. 'I was sent here by the Lord of Darkness to catalyse the events of this plot! I'm aware that I am a character in a poorly-written fan fiction based off of an English television icon, and yet I have been tasked with assisting the development of the plot!' He turned back to Hazel. 'Hurry, we must develop a star-crossed lovers story arc and go off on a whimsical adventure!'

Hazel, unable to keep her lust in check, ran up to Harry and kissed him right on the chops, there and then! And, somewhere in the distance, the undoubtably evil laugh of Baron Spookus could be heard throughout the land! Something evil was afoot! OH SHIT SON!

NEXT TIME ON THIS INCREDIBLY SHORT INCREDIBLY SHITTY THING

SOME OTHER SHIT WILL HAPPEN

THIS THING WILL ONLY HAVE LIKE THREE OR FOUR PARTS, SO THERE ISN'T REALLY MUCH POINT IN HYPING UP WHAT'S TO COME AS WE ARE LITERALLY MAKING IT UP AS WE GO ALONG

FUCK ALL IS HAPPENING IN THE WAY OF FORWARD PLANNING

JUST ROLL WITH IT, IT'LL BLOW YOUR FACE OFF, BUT NOT IN A LITERAL SENSE AS THAT WOULD BE A PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY


	2. Chapter 2 - SHIT GETS KIND OF OMINOUS

THE FAULT IN OUR SHARK INFESTED CUSTARD IS HERE ONCE MORE!

YES, WE HAVE RETURNED

AFTER MONTHS OF FORGETTING/NOT CARING ABOUT COMPLETING THIS ATROCITY, ONE TINY EMAIL NOTIFICATION BROUGHT US BACK INTO ACTION

SO THANK YOU, 'IEATVAMPIRESFORBREAKFAST', FOR ONCE AGAIN MAKING US DO SHIT AND SUPPORTING THE TERRIBLE STORIES THAT WE PRODUCE

Chapter 2: How To Bake A Scone In Six Different Languages

So, when we left off, some shit was going down. I think. I don't really remember, I had to fuckin' re-read this bullshit from October. And it was kinda dumb, and I'm sure that we had some original storyline ideas in there somewhere, but they have since all been forgotten. So, fuck. I dunno. We'll come up with some new shit.

Harry Hill and Hazel Shark were sitting on the bank of a river, having a friendly picnic. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and all was right in the world. ALL EXCEPT FOR THE WAR BETWEEN SHARKS AND HILLS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER! Yes, it's been six months since the last chapter, which means it's been five months in Westeros time, and in that time the war between Hills and Sharks has escalated to a horrendous extent! On the other side of the river, many Hills and Sharks were flying around with lightsabres and other such deadly weapons, hacking at each other and weakening the opponent's forces. However, Hazel's mood was not tainted by this atrocious act, as Harry was doing an impression of Phil from EastEnders. It was especially funny as he was also bald, so it made much more sense from an aesthetics point of view.

In these six months of romance, Hazel had grown to love Harry, because of his heartwarming smile and shiny bald head. And he was so chivalrous! For example, there was one time where there was a puddle in front of Hazel, and Harry, being the kindly debonair gentleman that he was, slaughtered twenty virgins and used their corpses to lay a makeshift pathway across the puddle! Oh, what a delightful man, she mused to herself. He showed such kindness!

Hazel was just reaching for another handful of croutons when she heard a hissing sound emanating from a nearby bush. Hazel looked around, but saw nothing, so she continued munching away on her croutons. But then she heard it again, louder this time! She looked at Harry, but he was busy chasing children and shouting out 'I'm the Mayor of Suplex City!', so he wouldn't have heard the noise. Hazel listened out, and she heard the noise once more. With a look over her shoulder to ensure that Harry remained preoccupied, she shuffled towards the noisy bush. Within the noisy bush lurked a fat man, dressed as a woman and displaying a look of disconcertedness on his/her face. Why… it was Heather! (From the hit TV show 'Harry Hill's TV Burp!') But what was a past colleague of Harry doing in a bush?

'What is a past colleague of Harry doing in a bush?' asked Hazel.

'Come closer, child,' muttered Heather. Her musk emanated from within the fronds of the bush. Hazel shuffled ever closer, enveloped in the fat flabs of the musky bush man.

'I must warn you of what is to come,' said Heather. 'The man who you have come to love is not what you think. He is a unpredictable man. Capricious, volatile even. You may think yourself safe from his actions, but trust me, you are never safe.' Heather touched her neck, revealing a ghosted scar.

'What are you talking about, you dingus?' asked Hazel in disbelief. 'Harry is the moon of my life, my sun and stars! He's a pretty radical dude, y'know?'

'You may think that. You may convince yourself that everything is perfect, just peachy. But it's not. It never was. You don't want to know what he's capable of, what he's done and what he will do, should you continue to let him grow on you.'

'Why? What has he done? I have never known Harry to do anything other than bring happiness and joy to all those who seek it! Why, only yesterday we went to a jazz lesson, and he played a beautiful euphonious serenade on a comically-sized double bass! He is a treasure to behold!'

'He doesn't want YOU. He wants THAT,' Heather said, pointing to Hazel's breathing apparatus. 'You of all people should know of Harry's morbid ingenuity. He wishes to use your breathing apparatus. For what, I do not know, and do not wish to think about. But you cannot let him. You cannot let him win, not like… last time.' Heather shivered. 'Run. Run as far as you can, and hope to the Old Gods and the New that Harry doesn't find you.'

Hazel looked horrified. Not because of the ominous exposition that she'd been given of Harry's unpleasant past and quite possibly unpleasant motivations for her, but because Heather would have the AUDACITY to shit talk Harry! She didn't even look back. She just got up, clambered out of the bush, and marched away from Heather, ignoring her pleas to listen. As she marched onwards, she bumped into Harry, who was clutching a burning torch in one hand, a pitchfork in the other, and his glasses were askew. She giggled, despite herself. What a goofball, leaving his glasses on in such a silly way!

'Come on Harry, this place is lame! Let's get out of here!'

Harry grinned. 'Of course, honey-poofs! Let's skidaddle like slippery scallywags!'

Hazel giggled as she started running off. Harry looked at her, and smiled to himself. Then he turned to an invisible camera to his left, the fires of the homes he had just burned down shining off of his magnificent bald cranium.

'She will never suspect a thing!' chucked Harry. 'My master plan is coming to fruition!' He then turned to an invisible camera on his right, and said, 'Go read 'The Handover 2: Rehanded', coming out next week!'

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT

DID HARRY JUST BREAK THE FOURTH WALL IN ORDER TO MARKET THE NEW INSTALLATION OF THE HIGHLY-ACCLAIMED 'HANDOVER' SERIES!?

YES HE FUCKING WELL DID!

SO YEAH, 'THE FAULT IN OUR SHARK INFESTED CUSTARD' SHALL BE GOING ON HIATUS, IN ORDER TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SUPERIOR PRODUCT, WHICH IS: 'THE HANDOVER 2: REHANDED'! COMING OUT NEXT WEEK TO COINCIDE WITH THE START OF SEASON 5!

TELL YOUR FRIENDS! TELL YOUR ENEMIES, THEY'LL BE AS APPALLED WITH THIS SHIT AS EVERYONE ELSE!

AND GET HYPED, BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE AWFUL, AND YET APPARENTLY YOU GUYS LIKE IT REGARDLESS!

SEE YOU SOON-ISH!


End file.
